Visually Impaired

I am and have been visually impaired from birth. In my one eye, my vision is 20/200, which means that something a person with perfect vision would see at 200 feet. I’d only be able to see it from 20 feet. In my other eye, I can barely see well enough to count fingers. I’ve had some cornea transplants when I was a kid to make my eyes better, but that wasn’t permanent. One thing I do not do is whine about not being able to see. It is what it is. This would get me nowhere but into a bad mental place, so why dwell on the negative?

I do remember some parts of the first cornea transplant I had. I spent days in Wills Eye Hospital. My Nan stayed there with me because my parents had to take care of my brothers. I remember the preacher from her church coming to visit, and nuns from Philly would visit. The oddest thing I remember is trying to watch cartoons when I came home, and the patch was off my eye. The TV was too bright, but I had to watch it. Star Blazers was my favorite cartoon at the time. The wave motion gun was painful to watch due to its brightness.

I’ve always gone to a regular public school. My parents were told about the option of schools for the blind, but they thought it would be better if I went to a regular public school. That was the right decision, and I’m glad I did it. Sure, I would have had more options, but real life doesn’t work that way. Gotta make what’s available work as well as you can.

When I was in middle school, I had a cornea transplant, and the doctor told me I had to miss school for two weeks. I had an asshole teacher who insisted I was faking having it done and just wanted a vacation from school. The other thing that sucked about that was not being allowed to swim, and gym class at that time was swimming. They tried to make me write about swimming in the pool room. Needless to say, I took an F. I suppose I wore ugly safety glasses to protect my eyes for fun? I tried all the actual lenses they had to make glasses for me at the doctor’s office multiple times, but none really helped.

After the cornea transplant, I was amazed at what I could see. I could see people’s eyes and recognize faces for the first time in my life. I could see texture in the walls and almost everything. Every day, I was amazed by what I could see that I didn’t know I’d been missing. People’s eye color was something I became obsessed with. I knew it existed from reading about it and hearing people talk about it, but I never could see it. I probably annoyed the hell out of people by telling them what I could see.

One morning, I woke up and opened my eyes. I saw nothing but a blur from my good eye that had had the cornea transplant. I went back to the eye doctors, and they had me taking eye drops every hour, 18 hours a day, for a while. My vision came back for a while, but then it slowly blurred again. The eye doctor said I had the option of trying another cornea transplant, but each time it’s done, the chances of it working are lower. I decided it wasn’t worth the risk. Let that cornea go to someone else, so they’ll have a better chance of getting something out of it than I would.

Sometimes I wish I had never been able to see so well. It wouldn’t be so depressing at times if I didn’t know what I was missing. Most times, I’m thankful to have had the chance to see what I couldn’t know was out there before that cornea transplant.

I do use a handheld monocular to see distant things. I use cheap ones from Amazon because they get abused and eventually broken or lost anyway. You’d be surprised how many people are assholes about it. I’ve been accused of recording with my “camera” or checking things out to steal them (the latter was by uneducated police officers). I’ve been questioned about my “camera” at movies, too. I should have educated the manager on that. No one questions someone using a cane or wheelchair.

I always have a small magnifier with me when I go out, and there’s at least one in every room in this house. I prefer the cheap folding ones from Amazon over the expensive ones you can buy. Sure, the expensive ones would be better, but let’s be real here. My vision is too shitty to see the difference. Like the telescope, it’s just gonna eventually wind up lost anyway.

I’ve realized I can use my phone’s camera in a pinch to see distant things. It actually increases the brightness and contrast.

When I was younger, I spent a lot of time in depression, focusing on what I didn’t have. The best thing I ever did was learn to accept what I do have and just be happy with it. I mean, it is what it is. If I ever see any alternative to donor cornea that seems to have long-term success, I’ll consider it then. Life is just too short to dwell on the negative. I mean, shit, I woke up today, so that’s a gift of another day.

Here is a quote that truly reinforces how I try to live this life.